


Everything You Imagined

by malfoys_minx



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, References to Period-Typical Homophobia, Top Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:14:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24970627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malfoys_minx/pseuds/malfoys_minx
Summary: For practically as long as he can remember, Bucky has been in love with his best friend. He's certain that Steve doesn't know, well he's mostly certain,almostcertain, only these days he can't quite trust his own mind, his own memory andwhat if... What if those images in his head, the ones of the two of them together, what if they werereal? Not just dreams or figments of his overactive imagination, but genuine memories? What if he's wrong and there reallywassomething between them once? What if he's right and there never was?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 6
Kudos: 261





	Everything You Imagined

The year was 2016, Bucky Barnes was ninety nine years old and yet, here he was; still young and as whole as he had any right to be, lounging on the sofa of the Brooklyn apartment he shared with Steve Rogers, listening to a Duke Ellington record while his best friend sketched quietly beside him. He could almost pretend they were back in the 40s if he squinted a bit... If he squinted a lot... And if he assumed that some of his memories of their old lives weren't actually memories at all, but merely unfulfilled fantasies. The trouble was, he was getting mightily sick of assuming when there was still a chance, however small, that... well, that he was assuming _wrong_. 

"Were we ever lovers?" He asked quietly, _finally_. Knowing the answer, but needing to ask anyway, needing to be _sure_. 

"Uh, no we weren't." Steve's features twisted with confusion as he put down his pencil and turned to look at him. "Why? Did you remember something?" 

"I think I wanted to be." He admitted, phrasing it as though there was some doubt in his mind, as if he hadn't been certain for months now that he wanted Steve, had _always_ wanted Steve. 

"You had a new dame on your arm every other week." His friend told him, his tone the same as it had been in the beginning, when Bucky had hardly remembered anything and Steve had spent half his time describing Bucky's own life to him like a historian in a museum. "You were the consummate ladies' man, I'm sure you never wanted to be with me." 

So he'd been right after all. The images in his head, the 'memories', none of them had been real. He had never even told his friend how he felt, let alone acted on it. He was pretty sure he knew why, could recall at least a few of the reasons he'd had for keeping it to himself, but now it was out there, now he'd started the conversation, he didn't want to brush it off like it had never happened. He'd already taken the leap by verbalising the question in the first place, it wasn't so hard to continue the freefall. Besides, he at least wanted to know if there was any chance of Steve returning his feelings before he ultimately crashed face first into the ground. Hell, if nothing else, perhaps hearing his friend turn him down flat might be enough to convince his heart to finally get over it and move on. It was worth a shot, surely. 

"I can picture it though." He continued determinedly. "Can see it so damn clearly in my head; how you'd feel in my arms, how you'd taste... I must have imagined it so many times my brain thinks they're memories now." 

Steve just stared at him until Bucky shook his head with a wry smile. 

"Guess I never told you after all." He confirmed aloud. "Probably knew you'd look at me just like that if I ever said anything, so I didn't." 

"Buck..." His friend's expression turned stricken and he immediately felt guilty for the jibe. 

"Don't worry about it. This one's on me, not you." 

"You should have been able to tell me anything." Steve objected. 

"It was 1938, you didn't tell your male best friend that all you could think about was bending him over any available surface and fucking him senseless." 

He was being needlessly, no worse, _dishonestly_ crude, but this was not the conversation he wanted to have and it was the best way he knew to dissuade Steve from the path his thoughts had taken him down. He'd had his reasons, good ones, he thought, and he wouldn't let the other man make him feel guilty for keeping his feelings to himself for so long. It didn't matter why he hadn't spoken up before, what mattered was that he was speaking up _now_ . Only Steve was, perhaps unsurprisingly, too caught up in having his preconceptions of their friendship upended to pay attention to what Bucky was really saying, what he was trying to ask without saying the words aloud; _could you ever want me too?_

Steve flushed bright red at that, just as Bucky had known he would, but he seemed determined to ignore his embarrassment, doggedly following his line of questioning. "1938?" He asked faintly. "All that time and you never said?" 

"Maybe '39? It's kinda fuzzy." He admitted with a grimace, focusing on the part that was easier to answer. "It was a really hot summer and you kept falling asleep on the sofa in your underwear. I'd come home and have to put you to bed." 

"That was '37." Steve corrected quietly. "It was the first summer we lived together after my Ma passed." 

"Right." He agreed as the memories immediately clicked into place within the still rather chaotic timeline in his head. 

"You wanted me all that time?" The other man asked after a moment, his expression carefully unreadable as he picked up on the part Bucky had intentionally ignored. 

"You know, it was the only time you ever let me pick you up?" Bucky told him by way of an answer. "When you were so tired or sick that you didn't have the energy to fight me. I hated you getting sick all the time, I'd have done anything to protect you from that, but I loved it when you needed me and you needed me a lot that summer, or at least I could pretend that you did." 

"And you wanted me because I needed looking after? Like a damsel in distress?" 

"No." He practically growled. "For fuck's sake, Steve, you know me better than that." 

His friend had the decency to look chagrined, but Bucky was still smarting too much to cut him any slack and his tone was harsh when he continued. 

" _I_ needed _you_ , always did, and I wanted you to need me too, but you didn't. You never needed anyone if you could help it, least of all me." 

Steve's expression was caught somewhere between defiance and guilt, but all he said was; "So what changed that summer? I was sick plenty of times before that." 

"Because you _weren't_ sick, so I didn't have to worry about you upping and dying on me, it was just so hot that you were wiped out by the end of the day. You always insisted on waiting up for me, but you were so exhausted you'd doze off on the sofa more often than not and I never had the heart to wake you, so I'd carry you to bed instead." 

Bucky closed his eyes, letting the memory fill his head, watching it play through his mind like an old news reel. 

"One night it was so hot that I stripped out of my own shirt as soon as I walked through the door and it was only when I picked you up that I realised what a mistake that had been. Your skin was slick with sweat and it slid so easily against mine, I had to hold you tighter to make sure I wouldn't drop you. It made you stir and I thought you were about to wake up and give me an earful for carrying you, but you just curled up against my chest and nuzzled your head into my shoulder like there was no place else you wanted to be. 

"I nearly did drop you then, I was so surprised, but you just went right back to sleep like nothing had changed. Except _everything_ had changed for me. I didn't want to let go when I got to your room so instead of putting you down, I sat for a bit on the edge of your bed, just holding you, watching your face as you slept, wishing I could stay with you all night. It was only then that I realised I didn't just want you to need me, I wanted you to need me like _that_." 

Bucky shuddered, his hands clenching in his lap. He could almost feel the phantom weight of Steve's warm little body in his embrace and it was a struggle to keep from hugging his arms around himself to keep the feeling close. 

"I started staying out late even more after that, just so I'd have more excuses to hold you. I was more careful, of course; Always kept my shirt on and I never dared sit with you again, but I wanted to. Fuck, I wanted to so bad. It was like torture being so close to you all the time, seeing you every day, touching you, caring for you and I imagined it so many times. Imagined taking you to my bed instead of yours. Imagined following you down onto the sheets, imagined how you'd feel pressed against every inch of me. I imagined the taste of your sweat on my tongue and the feel of your lips under mine. I imagined how I'd touch you, the way you'd look at me, the sounds you'd make..." 

Steve's breathing hitched then and Bucky stopped abruptly, having all but forgotten the other man was even there. 

"Sorry." He apologised sharply. 

"I had no idea." His friend sounded slightly dazed. 

"I was careful." 

"You shouldn't have had to be." Steve frowned and Bucky had to bite back a cutting retort. 

"I couldn't tell you then." 

"So why tell me now?" The other man regarded him steadily and Bucky knew exactly how well his answer was going to go down, but it was as close to the truth as he had the courage to get. 

"I thought you might already know. I had a dream last night, about us back then, and it was so _real_. It made me think that maybe... Well I had to know for sure, one way or the other." 

"But you knew there was a damn good chance it _wasn't_ real." Steve called him out immediately and Bucky should have realised that his friend knew him far too well not to pick up on what he hadn't said. "And you clearly had your reasons for keeping it to yourself before. Why risk telling me now when you wouldn't then?" 

He shrugged. "It's ok to be gay now." 

"You must have known I would never judge you for that, even back then." 

"It wasn't you I was worried about." He explained as patiently as he could manage, wondering if his friend really believed Bucky could ever have thought so little of him. 

"You think I'd have told someone?" Steve looked like he'd been punched and Bucky wasn't sure how the conversation had got away from him so fast. 

"No, of course not, I was just... scared of what you'd say, I guess." 

"That I'd say no?" 

"That you'd say yes." He corrected quietly. 

"What?" Steve's brow crinkled in confusion. 

"If you'd said no it would've hurt, but I was prepared for that. I never really thought you'd ever look at me that way anyway, but I wasn't _sure_ and if I'd told you and you'd said _yes_... Well, it was easier to want you from afar, it couldn't hurt you that way." 

"Why would it have hurt me? We could've been together." 

"Did you want that?" He asked more sharply than he'd intended, thrown by Steve's phrasing. Could he feel the same after all? Was it really possible? 

"No, I didn't mean..." Steve stammered, eyes going wide. "I'm not..." 

"It would've hurt you because it was 1937." He interrupted, unable to bear a second more of the other man's awkward floundering. 

Besides, he had his answer, didn't he? Wasn't that what he'd been after from the beginning? An answer? So now all that remained was to finish this damn conversation. The conversation he'd never wanted in the first place, except that he knew Steve would never let it drop, not until he'd picked apart the flaw in their friendship that he'd never even known was there. Somehow or other, Bucky was going to have to fix this, to plaster over the fissure his words had created in Steve's ridiculously idealised memory of how honest they'd actually been with each other. As if he didn't know perfectly well that the closest they'd ever come to expressing their _feelings_ back then had been a firm clasp of a shoulder and an echo of a promise made as kids, before they'd been taught how to be ' _men_ '. 

"Because men couldn't be together." Bucky managed to bite out, swallowing down the heartbreak he should have known better than to be feeling and forcing himself to keep talking. "Not publicly, not _legally_. We'd have had to hide it, keep up appearances, date dames, dance with them, kiss them, maybe even marry them." 

"Oh." 

He nearly smiled at that, probably would have, had his heart not been lying in shattered pieces on the floor. Steve sounded almost as disappointed as if they'd been having the conversation for real back in the 30s; talking about why they couldn't ever _really_ be together, about how jealous his friend would have been watching Bucky charm some pretty dame while he was stuck watching from the sidelines. 

He felt cruel even thinking about it in those terms, but he knew it was exactly what would have happened. He had always been willing to do damn near anything to protect Steve, whether he wanted that protection or not, and the kid had already had enough people throwing homosexual slurs at him thanks to his slight frame and pretty face. Bucky would _never_ have allowed his behaviour to reflect on Steve in any way and once he'd realised how he felt about his friend, he'd clung to his own reputation like a lifeline. After all, Bucky had always been popular and acting like a rakish skirt chaser was the best way he'd known to protect Steve from rumours. His affection for his friend had done very little to change the way he conducted himself in public. If anything he'd thrown himself into the social scene even more, trying to distract himself from his feelings as much as to make doubly sure no one would ever see the truth. 

Steve on the other hand, had always been something of a wallflower, passed over by nearly everyone as though he were invisible. Whilst Bucky knew it had never really bothered his friend all that much to be merely a bystander, he also knew how much it would have killed him to stand helplessly by while the person he loved romanced someone else. Not that Bucky hadn't imagined it a dozen times, imagined making Steve so jealous that he couldn't help himself, but that had always relied on Steve wanting him too and he hadn't. Not then and not now either. 

"Look, forget I said anything. I just needed to be sure, ok?" He scrubbed a hand over his face, staring straight ahead rather than risking meeting the other man's eyes. "Just needed to know this one really was all in my head." 

Steve didn't reply and as the silence stretched well past uncomfortable Bucky finally cracked, getting to his feet and heading for his room. He allowed himself to look back just once, only to find the other man staring down at his hands like he could find the answers to all his problems if he simply looked hard enough. Bucky wished him luck with that. 

\--- 

It wasn't that Steve avoided him after that; they still ate together and trained together, the same as always, but over the next few days his oldest friend also spent an awful lot of time suddenly remembering things he needed to do that involved him not being in the same room as Bucky. He'd have been lying to himself if he'd said it hadn't hurt, but at least Steve hadn't asked him to move out. He figured the other man would work through it eventually and in the meantime he just had to give him his space. Fortunately, Steve seemed happy for that space to be his own bedroom, which left Bucky free to roam their apartment as he wished without fearing he was forcing his company where it was unwanted. 

Three days after their conversation, he was sitting in the lounge reading when Steve materialised in the doorway. He took half a step into the room then stopped, turning as if to leave again, before apparently changing his mind and turning back towards him. Bucky watched all of this from the corner of his eye, though he pretended to keep his attention on the book in his lap. 

"Do you still want me?" Steve blurted suddenly and at that Bucky's head shot up, his book tumbling to the floor. 

"What?" 

"Do you still want me?" Steve repeated. "The way you did back then?" 

"Yeah..." He replied warily, watching his friend carefully. 

"Then kiss me." Steve's voice was firm, determined even, though his expression looked anything but. More like a deer caught in the headlights than anything else. 

"Seriously?" Bucky gaped at him, wondering if the other man had somehow sustained a concussion on his last mission without anybody noticing. 

"Yeah." Steve's tone didn't change, but then neither did his expression. 

"Why?" He asked suspiciously. 

"Does it matter?" His friend's voice wavered then, just slightly, as though his nerve was beginning to falter. 

"Yeah, Steve, it matters." He frowned, voice flat as he waited for the other man to explain what the fuck he was playing at. 

"Because I want you to?" He wasn't sure Steve had meant it as a question, but it sure as hell sounded like one. 

"You're straight." Bucky pointed out, because he knew what Steve hadn't said the last time they'd talked. What he _would_ have said had he not been interrupted. ' _I'm not like that. Not like_ you.' 

"Maybe." 

" _Maybe_?" He hissed. 

"All I know is I can't stop thinking about you. Ever since you said..." Steve swallowed hard. "Please, Buck, I need to know." 

"Need to know what?" He asked, but he was already moving, rising from the sofa and crossing to where his friend was still hovering awkwardly in the doorway. 

"If it'll feel the way I imagined." Steve whispered. 

"You've imagined kissing me?" He finally came to a stop crowding into the other man's personal space, trapping him between his own body and the doorjamb. 

"Yeah." The affirmation was barely a breath of sound, so low that Bucky almost didn't hear it, even standing this close. 

"And how do you imagine it will feel?" He let his voice turn husky as he shifted just a little further forward, his chest nearly, but not quite, touching Steve's. 

"Right." His friend admitted and that was it for Bucky. 

With a low groan he grabbed hold of the back of the other man's neck, dragging him forward until their lips met. It should have been awkward; the angle should have been wrong or their teeth should have clacked, but it wasn't. Their mouths came together as if they'd been made just for this, perfectly aligned, fitting against each other like two halves of a whole. And sure Bucky had wanted this for what felt like forever and he was entitled to romanticise it a little now that it was finally happening, but he'd kissed enough people in his time to know that this was not how it usually went. Not when he was this desperate and needy, not when he'd grabbed hold of Steve as roughly as he would have had they been making war rather than love. 

Even so, he was sharply aware that this could be his one and only shot at this. Knew perfectly well that chances were the other man was just curious and once that curiosity was satisfied he'd realise that he was indeed straight as a damn arrow and had no feelings for Bucky beyond those of a close friend. For now though, just for this one moment, Steve was _his_ and he planned to make the most of it. 

Letting his hand shift a little higher, he twined his fingers in the other man's hair, holding him in place as he pressed closer. Still, he kept it slow at first, teasing at Steve's mouth with lips and teeth for long seconds before gently pushing his tongue inside. Not that his friend seemed to need the gentle treatment if the way his mouth opened instantly was any indication. He appeared content to let Bucky lead, however, following every signal Bucky sent and kissing him back with just as much focused determination as Steve gave everything he put his mind to. 

Bucky didn't think he'd ever kissed someone for so long but he couldn't bear to stop, still terrified that this could be the only time, despite the way his friend was clinging to him now, arms tight around him and kissing him back just as fervently. His tongue drove between Steve's lips over and over, fucking into his a mouth in a manner reminiscent of something he barely dared think about, and it was so much better than he could ever have dreamed... And then Steve moaned. Fucking _moaned_ and Bucky shuddered so violently in response that their lips were forced apart by the involuntary reaction. 

For a long moment they simply stared at each other, their chests heaving so hard that they brushed with every inhale, and then Bucky spoke; "So?" He asked roughly, telling himself he should step back, but not quite managing to follow through with it. "Was it everything you imagined it would be?" 

Steve shook his head, still looking slightly dazed. "Better." He murmured. "So much better." He leaned closer, resting his forehead against Bucky's as he added, "Can we do it again?" 

He didn't wait for an answer, which was probably for the best, since Bucky wasn't sure he had the brain power left to form one. Kissing Steve had been a dream come true, but Steve kissing _him_... It was something he had barely even let himself think about. Especially with _this_ Steve, with _Captain America_ , who could have anyone he wanted. 

"So, you wanna know what else I've imagined doing with you?" His friend murmured when he finally let Bucky up for air. 

" _Fuck_." He cursed sharply, rendered almost dumb by the other man's breathless question. 

"Amongst other things." Steve retorted with a grin that was far too filthy for such a supposed paragon of virtue. 

"But you're straight." Bucky felt the need to point out again. 

"Clearly not as straight as we thought." 

"Steve, you can't just..." 

"Can't just what?" He demanded when Bucky trailed off helplessly, not even sure himself what he'd been going to say. "I don't need a label to know what I want and what I want is you." 

"Since three days ago." Bucky wasn't sure why he was fighting this so hard, except that his brain simply couldn't seem to wrap itself around what Steve was saying. 

"So I'm an oblivious idiot, that's hardly news to either of us." 

"Have you ever been even slightly attracted to another man in your entire life?" 

"Have you?" 

"That's not-" 

"Exactly." His friend interrupted before Bucky could point out that no matter how many dalliances he'd had, plenty of which, in this century at least, _had_ been with men, he hadn't been properly attracted to _anyone_ who wasn't Steve since he was twenty years old. 

"Steve..." 

" _Bucky_." The other man returned, his voice turning low and breathy. 

" _Steve_." He moaned and he didn't even know which of them moved first, but then they were kissing again and it was nothing short of heaven. 

"I want you." Steve told him when they parted. "I know what that means, I know what men do together and I want that with you." 

Bucky's heart thumped almost painfully against his ribcage and he was sure the other man must be able to feel the effect his words were having on him, but he couldn't help himself. 

"And how exactly do you know that?" 

"The Internet." Steve grinned. 

"And you just happened to have the urge to Google how two men have sex?" 

"Well not until Thursday, but yeah. I know all sorts of things now." Steve's cockiness finally gave way to a blush. "There may have been a reason for the amount of time I've been spending in my room the last few days." 

Bucky's eyes went wide. "I thought you were just avoiding me." 

His friend looked slightly horrified at that, so Bucky distracted him with a kiss. 

"I wasn't avoiding you." Steve assured him when they parted. "I would never do that." 

"I'll admit it didn't seem like a very Steve-like thing to do. Why run away from a problem when you can throw yourself at it head first?" 

"You always complain I jump into things without thinking them through, so I thought it through, did my research, made a battle plan." 

"A _battle_ plan?" 

"Sure. Phase one, gather intel." He started ticking them off on his fingers by pressing each one more firmly against Bucky's back as he spoke. "Phase two, get you to kiss me. Phase three, confirm reality wildly exceeds expectations. Phase four, more kissing." 

Bucky would have laughed if he hadn't felt so dazed. "Surely phase four was very much dependent on the result of phase three? What was your escape plan?" 

"Er, I didn't have one." 

He couldn't help laughing then. " _There's_ the Steve I know." 

Steve rolled his eyes, but he was smiling too. "I didn't tell you about phase five." 

"What's phase five?" He queried dutifully. 

"Take me to bed." His friend demanded huskily. 

"Really?" He sucked in a startled breath. 

"You wanna wait?" 

"No. _Fuck_ no." 

"Didn't think so." 

Steve started to push at him, trying to free himself from where Bucky had him trapped against the doorway, but Bucky didn't budge as an idea flittered into his head. Sliding his hands down to grip Steve's ass, he pushed up, forcing the other man onto his toes. 

"Wrap your legs around me." He ordered and when he tugged upwards again, Steve moved into it, pressing his back against the doorjamb to support himself as he obeyed the command. 

"Take me to bed." Steve repeated, nuzzling his face into the curve of Bucky's neck as he leaned in closer, allowing him to take his full weight. 

"Gladly." He promised as he turned around, heading straight for his bedroom and trying not to trip over his own feet when his friend chose to spend the short journey sucking at the sensitive skin of his throat. 

When he reached his room, he deposited Steve on the bed, thrilling slightly when the other man refused to let go until Bucky had crawled over him, covering that broad, muscular body with his own. 

"Kiss me again." Steve demanded, something in his tone reminding Bucky so intensely of the way his friend had always ordered him about when they were young that he had to blink a few times to be sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. 

" _Buck_." Steve whined when Bucky didn't immediately jump to do his bidding and he would have laughed, only he had far more pressing matters to attend to. 

Ducking his head, he fit his mouth to Steve's, keeping the kiss chaste in a somewhat childish effort to tease the other man into begging for more. His friend was nothing if not predictable however, and after barely a second or two of the soft play of lips against lips, he was shoving his tongue into Bucky's mouth, his fingers twisting in his hair to keep him in place as he did his best to devour Bucky from the inside out. 

They kissed for long minutes; Bucky perfectly content to let Steve lead as he relished every bit of the other man's near desperate enthusiasm. Because sure, he had imagined this a thousand times in a thousand different ways, but never had he thought to imagine the urgency coming from _Steve_. 

"Want you inside me." His friend declared when they finally parted, somehow managing to sound both demanding and painfully shy all at the same time. 

"Fuck, Steve, are you sure?" 

"Positive. I..." He trailed off with a bright flush that only piqued Bucky's interest even further. 

"You?" 

"Kinda tried it... With my fingers, I mean, and it felt really good and..." He shrugged a little awkwardly. "I want you to touch me that way. Wanna feel _you_ inside me." 

"Are you seriously telling me you've spent the last few days holed up in your bedroom learning about gay sex and _fingering yourself_?" 

"I wanted to be sure I didn't hate it before I offered it." Steve explained, so sweetly earnest that Bucky melted completely. 

"You realise we could have just done it the other way round if you didn't want to bottom?" He pointed out gently. 

"You mean you'd let me...?" 

"Of course I would, I've wanted you for _years_. I'd let you do any damn thing you wanted." 

"But..." 

"But?" 

"Surely you didn't imagine that before? I mean I don't even know if I'd have been able to do that to you back when I was small." 

"Thought you could do anything, isn't that what you always told me?" 

Steve gave him a look, but evidently decided not to deign that with a reply and Bucky continued quickly, before his brief flash of petulance could trigger an equally ill-tempered response from his friend. 

"I never really let myself imagine going all the way. I thought about holding you, kissing you, touching you, sometimes, but _that_...? I wanted it so bad, wanted _you_ so bad, but I hated myself for it. Figured it was shameful enough that I thought about you like that at all, let alone allowing myself to fantasise about all the depraved things I wanted to do with you." He reached for Steve then, supporting himself on his left arm so that he could run his thumb over the barely visible stubble on the other man's jaw. "I always knew you were too good for me and I couldn't debase you like that, even if it was only in my head." 

"You've got to be kidding..." Steve started, but perhaps he saw something in Bucky's expression because he trailed off almost immediately, his voice turning deadly serious. "Buck, I'd be dead a hundred times over if it wasn't for you. Never mind all the times you bailed me out of back alley brawls or looked after me when I got sick, you did so much more than that. You were the only reason I kept a roof over my head most of the time, you made sure I didn't starve even when I lost job after job... Hell this whole thing only started because you wouldn't even leave me to sleep on the damn couch. How can you have it so backwards? If anything, I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. I never did." 

"Steve, you're _Captain America_. Always were, even before they made the rest of you match your heart. All I managed to become was the Winter Soldier and perhaps that was just as inevitable; something that was always inside me." He could see the other man getting ready to argue, but he wasn't done yet and he'd be damned if he didn't get this out before his friend interrupted. "Either way I'll never shake it, no matter what I try to do to atone for it, so _trust_ me, it sure as hell ain't me that has it backwards." 

"You're _not_ the Winter Soldier, Buck." 

"Aren't I?" Well perhaps to Steve he really wasn't. After all, his friend had always given him far more credit than he deserved and he supposed even scars as deep as his were a lot harder to see through a battered old pair of rose-tinted glasses. 

"No, you're not." Steve stated firmly, before surprising Bucky completely and catching hold of his shining left hand, bringing it up to his mouth for a kiss. "You're a good man who's been through more than any person should ever have to endure, but you're so strong, Buck. So much stronger than even I ever realised. I mean just _look_ at what you've become. You're more than Sergeant Barnes, more than the Winter Soldier, more than an Avenger. You're the most incredible man I've ever known." 

"That doesn't change what I did." He said finally, but his voice was soft, the fight gone out of him. 

"Perhaps not, but neither does it change who you _are_. You're not what they made you. Hell, it could have been _me_ if things had turned out different and I know you would never have held it against me if our situations were reversed. I just got lucky; got found by the right people and-" 

"You don't believe that." Bucky interrupted, unable to stomach a single word more. _Horrified_ by the mere idea of what might have happened to Steve if he'd been the one to fall into Hydra's hands, because the other man sure as hell wouldn't have ever let himself be broken down the way Bucky had. "Tell me you don't believe that." 

"Yes, I do." His friend insisted. "None of what happened to you is your fault and I won't let you put yourself down for it." He caught hold of Bucky's hand again, dropping a kiss into his palm before pressing his cheek into the metal. "What matters are the choices you make and from where I'm standing, you're making a hell of a lot of right ones." 

There was a part of him that wanted to argue, that couldn't just roll over and accept what Steve was saying, but he knew how stubborn his friend was. The fact was, he could protest until he was blue in the face and Steve would still refuse to listen to reason, so was it really all that terrible if he gave in just this once? 

"Does it help any if I tell you that I still want you inside me?" His friend queried after a lengthy pause, his tone so sweetly innocent that it took a second for the meaning of his words to really sink in. 

"Steve..." He groaned helplessly, his train of thought immediately derailing at the sudden reminder of where they were and why. 

"Please, Buck? It's all I've been able to think about for days." The other man wiggled his hips enticingly. "Who do you think I was imagining all those times I fucked myself with my own fingers?" 

" _Steve_!" He gasped, incapable of forming any sort of coherent response to _that_ little confession. 

"Have I pushed you that far already?" His friend teased. "All you can do is moan my name?" 

" _Steve_..." He breathed, just to make him laugh. 

" _Bucky_." Steve replied, voice thick with want despite his amusement. "Haven't you waited long enough for this? Don't make us wait anymore." 

"Alright." He promised, even as he shifted back putting some space between them, much to his friend's obvious consternation. 

"Where're you going?" Steve pouted, only for his expression to lighten immediately when Bucky merely reached for his henley, pulling it over his head and tossing it to the side. 

"Your turn." He encouraged, tugging at the edge of the other man's shirt until he arched up a little, allowing Bucky to drag the fabric up and off. 

It wasn't the first time he had seen Steve shirtless, not by any stretch, but it _was_ the first time he'd been allowed to look, to _touch_ and he was doing exactly that before he'd even processed the movement. Splaying his fingers across his friend's chest, he pressed his hands against the warm skin, marvelling at the feel of hard muscle beneath his palms. It was nothing like his fantasies of old of course, when he'd imagined how it might feel to brush his fingertips over a delicate collarbone or maybe, if he was feeling particularly adventurous, a protruding rib. He couldn't bring himself to lament the change though, not when it meant his friend was finally healthy, not to mention the fact that the change to Steve's physique was the very reason they were both here at all. 

"Guessing this isn't quite what you pictured back then." Steve commented as if reading his mind, pulling him from his thoughts and alerting him to the fact he'd been staring, unmoving, at his hands on the other man's chest for several minutes. 

"You're still beautiful." 

" _Still_?" 

"I always thought you were." He elaborated, easily guessing what the other man meant. "Everything about you has always been beautiful. Your courage, your spirit, your stubbornness. Your _heart_ , no matter what the casing." He pressed his right hand a little harder against Steve's chest, feeling for the steady pump just beneath the surface, before dragging his palm slowly upwards until he could curve his fingers around that same old determined jaw. "But the casing was part of it too and in some ways you ain't changed that much. You may have all these big muscles now, but your face, your eyes, your mouth, your hair... they're still the same and you're so _so_ beautiful, Steve." 

" _Bucky_..." Steve breathed, eyes wide as he stared up at him. 

"I've wanted you for so long." He whispered, suddenly overwhelmed. "I never thought..." 

"I'm sorry it took me so long to see it." The other man reached for him then, cupping Bucky's face in both of his hands and pinning him in place with the intensity in his gaze. "I'm sorry I never realised how perfect we are for each other, but I'm yours now, Buck, all yours, for as long as you'll have me." 

"Forever work for you?" He asked, trying for levity and missing it by a mile. 

"Yeah, it does." Steve promised, voice so soft he sounded like he was talking to a skittish animal. "Come here? Let me kiss you again?" 

Bucky groaned, low and rough, but he capitulated without hesitation, following the gentle tug of hands until their lips met. 

The kiss started slow, but it heated fast, the feel of Steve's bare chest against his own more than enough to set his nerve endings alight. He felt the change in the other man too, the way his breathing quickened, his hands beginning to rove purposefully over Bucky's back, holding him closer, gripping him tighter. 

"I still want you inside me, you know." His friend murmured teasingly when they finally parted. "And you know what my patience is like." 

"Non-existent?" 

"Exactly. Come on, Buck." 

"Alright." He agreed and this time when he reached for their clothes he didn't stop until he'd stripped them both of every stitch they had on. 

At the sight of the other man laid bare beneath him, the evidence of his arousal and desire for Bucky thick and weeping against his stomach, he nearly came up short again. Only before his emotions had a chance to overwhelm him, Steve was kissing him, long and deep and insistent. 

"Touch me." Steve demanded against his lips and Bucky could only obey, supporting himself once again on his left arm as he let his right hand wander. 

He started at the other man's shoulder, fingers splaying across the broad expanse, thumb sweeping over the line of his collarbone, before he drifted lower, palming at Steve's pec and feeling the hard nub of his nipple against the heel of his hand. When his friend only gripped him harder, arching perfectly up into his touch, he figured that was encouragement enough and continued on his path down Steve's torso. 

Where he might once have counted ribs, now he found himself counting muscles, his fingertips bumping lightly over each crest and valley until he reached the smooth curve of his hip. 

"Go on." Steve urged when Bucky stopped there, his fingers teasing at the soft skin. "Keep going." 

"Are you sure-?" He started, only for his friend to immediately interrupt. 

" _So_ sure." Steve told him, his own fingers curling around Bucky's wrist and tugging lightly until he relented, releasing his grip on Steve's hip and allowing the other man to guide his hand where he wanted it. 

At the first brush of Bucky's fingertips over Steve's cock, they _both_ moaned, but his friend didn't give him long to enjoy the simple touch before he was pressing harder at Bucky's hand, angling for more. Not that he was surprised by that, Steve had never been shy about going after what he wanted, it was just that there was still a part of him that couldn't quite get his head around the idea that after all these years what his friend wanted was _him_... And then Steve guided his hand lower, his intent more than clear and all Bucky could do was obey, following the push that Steve gave him until his fingertip met the puckered skin of the other man's entrance. 

"We need-" He began, only for his friend to cut him off again. 

"You got any in here?" He glanced at Bucky's nightstand and it was only then that he realised he _didn't_. 

Bucky didn't have sex often, but when he did it was _never_ at home and he mostly jerked off in the shower. He'd long ago given up keeping anything in his bedroom and it had never once occurred to him that it could pose a problem. 

"No." He whispered. "There's some in the bathroom, but I haven't got any in here." 

"The bathroom, huh?" Steve looked oddly delighted by that little tidbit, his smile bright as he asked. "Where on earth did you hide that?" 

"It's behind all my hair stuff." Bucky admitted and Steve's grin got even wider. 

"Sneaky." His friend complimented him with an approving nod. 

He looked so proud that Bucky couldn't hold back the laugh that bubbled up in his chest, his heart fluttering when the other man joined in. 

"So you gonna go get it, or you gonna let me up so I can get mine?" Steve queried once their giggles had subsided. 

When Bucky didn't immediately reply, his friend evidently decided to take the decision out of his hands, shoving at his chest until he dutifully rolled to the side. As soon as Steve was free, he was up and heading for the door and Bucky knew he was being ridiculous, but even the sight of that delectable ass wasn't enough to lessen the sting of watching Steve walk away from him. 

He didn't think he'd done anything to give himself away, but when the other man reached the door he paused to look back at him, offering him a wink and a softly blown kiss. 

"I'll be back before you know I'm gone." He promised and sure enough, barely a second later, Steve was slipping back into the room, a bottle clutched in his hand and a wide smile on his face as he all but prowled towards the bed. "I could get used to this." He decided aloud as he crawled his way up Bucky's body. "Having you waiting for me naked and needy." 

He punctuated his words with a slow grind of his hips, dragging his cock over Bucky's with a low moan, before abruptly flipping them over so Bucky was back on top. 

"You wanna do the honours?" Steve offered up the bottle, spreading his legs wider. 

"Would be my pleasure." He replied, the frank honesty in his words giving them extra weight. 

Pushing himself up, he settled on his knees between the other man's thighs, forcing himself to concentrate on the matter at hand to keep from getting too overwhelmed by the sight of his friend spread out in front of him. Not that any amount of focused concentration could distract him from the way it felt when he pressed the first slick finger into Steve's mouthwateringly welcoming body. The expression on his face alone; the bit lip, flushed cheeks and heavy lidded eyes, was almost more than he could handle, let alone the feel of hot, tight muscle clenching around his digit. 

When he looked down again, watching, captivated, as he pushed a little deeper into Steve's body, it only made things worse and for a minute he genuinely thought he might cry. 

"Bucky?" 

At the sound of the other man's voice, soft and almost concerned, he glanced up to find his friend watching him closely. 

"Do you...?" Steve trailed off immediately, mulling over his words before trying again. "Are you ok? Is this too much? Too fast?" 

"No!" The word burst out of him so sharply that it was almost a shout and he felt the other man flinch slightly at his sudden vehemence. " _No_ ." He repeated more softly, carefully withdrawing his trembling hand under the pretense of adding more lube. "I want this, want _you_. It's just a lot, you know?" He shrugged, trying for casual as he added. "I've never been with someone I really cared about before." 

"Not even Vera? I thought you were gonna end up marrying her and I _know_ you did more than just kiss her goodnight. I used to hear her through the wall when you brought her home." 

"We never actually went all the way." Bucky admitted, not quite able to bring her face to mind, but recalling his feelings well enough. He _had_ liked her, at least, as much as he'd been capable of liking anyone who wasn't Steve, but it had only made him even more hesitant to take that final step. "She wanted to, but I figured she deserved better; a guy who really loved her, who wanted to make an honest woman of her. Not some bum like me who couldn't stop mooning over _you_ long enough to even think about proposing." 

"Aww, Buck..." Steve's eyes were warm as he leaned up, tenderly tucking a loose strand of hair behind Bucky's ear. 

"Shut up." He muttered, ducking his head even as he pushed his face closer to the other man's hand. 

"Make me." 

His eyes shot up at that, taking in the wicked smirk on his friend's face and that, as it turned out, was all it took to break through his oddly retrospective mood. 

"Punk." He retorted, this time pressing two fingers gently but firmly into Steve's body. 

It didn't exactly shut him up, but the sound he made at the intrusion was far enough from coherent speech that Bucky considered it a success. Besides, the other man certainly didn't seem to be complaining as he spread his legs wider, arching into Bucky's hand and forcing his fingers even deeper. 

For a while after that, the only sounds were the rasp of Steve's breathing and the slick slide of Bucky's fingers as he stroked in and out. He kept his movements slow but deep, twisting and spreading his fingers as he opened his friend up as gently as he knew how. 

"Another?" He asked after he didn't know how long, when Steve's huffs of breath had begun morphing into gasps, his body arching needily into Bucky's touch. 

"Yeah." His friend agreed shakily, canting his hips upwards to give him a better angle. 

It was barely even a stretch to slip in a third finger, Steve's body already open and ready for whatever Bucky wanted to do, but he did it anyway, keeping up the slow but steady rhythm. He wanted to make it as easy as possible for the other man, wanted to make it as good for him as he possibly could, and with that in mind he changed the angle of his hand just a little, seeking out the bundle of nerves that he knew would set Steve alight. 

Sure enough at the first brush of fingertips over his prostate, Steve moaned loudly, his whole body jerking as he sought more of what Bucky knew to be a deliciously pleasurable sensation. 

"Now, please now." Steve begged. "I need you _now_." 

And who the hell was Bucky to deny a request like _that_. 

Carefully withdrawing his fingers, he reached for the lube one more time, belatedly realising as he did so that this was something else that was new. With whatever the fuck Hydra had done to him, he was well aware that he couldn't catch diseases like a normal person. As such he couldn't transmit them either, nor did he have the ability to get anyone pregnant, but whilst _he_ knew that, with his previous partners it had always been easier just to _pretend_ he wasn't as fucked up as he really was and he'd never before had sex without a condom. With Steve though, there was no need to hide anything and so, not only was Bucky finally about to have sex with Steve, the only person he'd ever _really_ wanted, he was about to do it without a single barrier between them. 

It was almost enough to overwhelm him all over again, but he pushed past it, focusing once more on the physical. Lining himself up, he paused just long enough for Steve to whisper a breathless " _please_ " and then he was pushing inside, slowly but surely sinking into the tight heat of his best friend's body. 

"G-d, Buck, you're so _big_." Steve panted when Bucky finally stilled, fully sheathed inside him. 

"Guessing you don't mean that as a compliment right now." He joked a little halfheartedly, every scrap of his focus concentrated on keeping himself still, _terrified_ that if he moved before the other man was ready he'd hurt him. 

"No, it's..." Steve trailed off almost pensively as he shifted his hips, dragging a rumbling groan from Bucky's chest. "It's good, I just... I feel... _full_." 

"I'm not hurting you?" He checked. 

"No, it's good, I promise." Steve shifted again. "I like it. I like that it's _you_ inside me." He grinned at that, as if it wasn't until he said the words aloud that it really hit him, his smile so bright it was almost blinding. "You feel so much better than my fingers." He added. "But I'm gonna need you to move now." 

He punctuated his words with another roll of his hips, only this time it was far more deliberate and Bucky couldn't have held back for anything. Pulling out just a little, he thrust forward again, still careful, but unable to completely control his own need as he sunk back into his friend's body. 

"Yeah, just like that." Steve encouraged breathlessly. "Don't stop." 

"Don't think I could if I tried." He confessed roughly, thrusting again a little harder. "Fuck, Steve, you feel..." 

"Tell me." The other man commanded. "How do I feel?" He rocked his hips up to meet Bucky's next thrust, somehow pulling him even deeper. 

"Perfect." He blurted. "You're perfect, this is perfect, I lo-" His words choked off abruptly, but Steve didn't seem to notice and Bucky turned his attention towards keeping it that way. 

Pulling out further than before, he thrust in again and then again, beginning to work up a rhythm. The answering roll of Steve's body beneath him felt better than anything he'd ever experienced and that alone was enough to leave him wondering how on earth he was going to last for more than a few minutes. Still, it was the other man's expression that really broke Bucky open. 

Steve was gazing up at him with such intensity it was as if the rest of the world didn't even exist for him. His cheeks were flushed, lips curved up into a wondering smile and Bucky was absolutely captivated. In all his years of wanting the other man, he had never even imagined such an expression on his friend's face and having it aimed at _him_ was almost more than he could handle. 

"Steve... I can't... I..." 

He wanted to close his eyes, wanted to block out the perfect sight of Steve looking up at him so he could hang on just a little longer, but he couldn't do it. Couldn't bear to look away from the heat in those devastatingly blue eyes, from that tantalisingly inviting mouth... 

"It's ok." His friend assured him. "Let go." 

"But... You. What about you?" 

"It's ok." Steve repeated. "Come for me, Buck." 

And he was lost. 

He didn't know how long it was before he finally came back to himself, his body still trembling with the aftershocks of the most intense orgasm he'd ever had in his life. His face was half buried in Steve's shoulder, the other man's fingers carding tenderly through his hair, as if he wasn't still hard and leaking between them, impaled on Bucky's softening cock without having reached his own climax. 

"I'm sorry, I-" He started, forcing himself to raise his head, only for Steve to cut him off mid-apology. 

"You've got nothing to be sorry for." His friend promised, his soft smile transforming into a wide grin. "Do you have any idea how hot that was? Seeing you fall apart like that, just for me?" 

"But you didn't..." 

"Well I ain't going anywhere." Steve pointed out and that was apparently all Bucky needed to catch his second wind. 

Pushing himself up, he carefully withdrew from the other man's body, soothing Steve's low whimper with a kiss pressed against his shoulder. From there he shifted down the bed, barely giving his friend time to grasp his intention before ducking his head and wrapping his mouth around Steve's length. At the same time he reached between the other man's legs, pushing two fingers back into his slick hole and turning Steve's moan of pleasure into a garbled cry. 

At any other time he might have been tempted to take it slow, to allow himself to savour every moment, but not now. Not when he'd left his friend hanging for too long already. Instead he worked him over with single-minded focus, swallowing him down as deep as he could manage whilst simultaneously curling his fingers up to stroke insistently at Steve's prostate. 

Sure enough, it took barely any time at all until the other man was gasping raggedly, his fingers twisting satisfyingly in Bucky's hair as he struggled between thrusting forward into his mouth or back to impale himself more deeply on Bucky's hand. 

"Oh G-d, Buck, I'm gonna come." Steve panted after a flatteringly short time, his grip tightening almost painfully. 

He wasn't quite sure whether the other man was trying to pull him back or hold him in place, but he had no intention of going anywhere and when Steve tumbled over the edge a few seconds later, Bucky swallowed everything he was given with unashamed relish. 

"C'mere." Steve rasped when he pulled back, tugging at his hair again until he followed the summons. 

As soon as they were level, the other man dragged him down into a filthy kiss, licking into his mouth as if chasing his own taste. Steve didn't let up for some time, holding him in place by the firm grip he still had on Bucky's hair as he did what felt like his very best to devour him. Not that he had a single objection, kissing Steve back with as much relentless determination as he'd employed in his mission to make the other man come undone beneath him. 

When they finally broke for breath, his friend still refused to let him go, holding him so close that they were breathing each other's air as their gazes locked, expressions set in what felt like mutual wonder. 

"That was..." Steve started, only to trail off as words apparently failed him. "Fucking hell, just kiss me again?" 

With a low groan, Bucky obliged, only growing increasingly more certain with every taste of the other man's lips that he would _never_ get enough of this. 

"We're doing that again." His friend informed him when they parted once more. "A _lot_." He added fervently. "In fact, you'll be lucky if I ever let you out of this bed." 

"I'll be far luckier if you keep me in it." He admitted, burying his elated grin in the curve of the other man's shoulder. 

"That can probably be arranged." Steve teased, arching his neck to give Bucky's lips better access. "Maybe I can get some extra strong chains to hold you here." 

"You don't need chains to hold me." Bucky retorted, pressing a kiss against Steve's pulsepoint before drawing back to look at him. "As long as you're here, then so am I." 

"Well I sure as hell ain't going anywhere." His friend promised him, his tone turning serious. "I meant what I said before. I'm yours, Buck, for as long as you want me." 

"And I meant what _I_ said." He vowed in return. "I'll always want you." 

"Forever?" Steve asked, hugging him close, the reassuring warmth of his embrace keeping Bucky in place far more securely than even the very strongest chains ever could. 

"Forever." He swore, surrendering to the tug of the other man's arms and settling himself more comfortably against his chest. " _Forever_ ." He repeated, more for his own benefit than Steve's, wondering absently how much of forever it would take before he believed that this time it _was_ real. 

"You know," His friend mused, his fingers carding through Bucky's hair again, "I do need you, Buck." 

"Yeah?" He murmured back, wondering at the way Steve had managed to say the one thing Bucky needed to hear more than anything else just then. Not that it was overly surprising, not when Steve knew him better than anyone else ever had, but after a lifetime of waiting for those words, he supposed he'd given up all hope of hearing them a long, long time ago. 

"Yeah." Steve confirmed. "I always did, no matter how much I hated to admit it back then, and now...?" 

His hand stilled and Bucky tilted his head up to find his friend gazing back down at him with such deep affection in his eyes that his emotions threatened to overwhelm him all over again. 

" _Now_ ," Steve continued, "I need you more than ever. More than you could possibly know." He skimmed the backs of his fingers over Bucky's jaw in the most tender touch he thought he had ever experienced. "I always will." 

He was pretty sure there weren't enough words in existence, regardless of the plethora of languages he spoke, to fully express how he was feeling just then, but perhaps in this case there was a better way of communicating. A way that transcended spoken word. Something that could never be misunderstood or misinterpreted. Pushing himself up, he captured the other man's lips with his own, pouring his whole heart into the soft, though no less intense, melding of mouths, almost certain, no, _certain_ that Steve would understand. _I need you. I love you. I'm yours. Forever._

  
  
  



End file.
